I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
