he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
