Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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