I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
