I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
