I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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