I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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