I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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