I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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