So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
