its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize