I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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