I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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