I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
