so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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