my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
