Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
