i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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