Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
