I think im going to throw up on grandma
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
