Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize