shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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