Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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