is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
