Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
