she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
