the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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