Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
