I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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