There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
