every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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