I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
