I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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