my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
