My room smells like vodka and shame
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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