I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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