why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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