Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
