I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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