went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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