So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
