I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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