Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
