Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
