dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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