He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
