Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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