Swine flu is the new snow day.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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