We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
