I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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