he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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