Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
