there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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