hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
