On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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