I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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