You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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