Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
