apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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