I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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