Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
