The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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