So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
