I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
