she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
