If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
