mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
